How to connect with colleagues

Building a personal connection with any human usually follows the same basic principles. You need to make them feel important and safe.

When you are at work, the craving for these basic needs is even higher.

To satisfy them, you have to treat people with appreciation, respect and interest.

Appreciation.

This means expressing your gratitude even if it’s not quite what you were hoping for.

For example, always say thanks when people have gone out of their way to help you, even if you follow it up with constructive feedback. By ripping straight into someone’s work without showing appreciation, you’re giving off huge signals that they are unimportant and unsafe.

You should always give credit where it is due. If you are managing someone, do not take any credit for their work. In fact, you want to exaggerate how little impact you had. You might worry that your manager won’t know about your efforts, but your positive impact will be apparent to everyone.

You should always be polite, and this is non-negotiable. Your mumma taught you that for a reason — it works. So do the little things like offering a cup of tea when you’re making one and the big things like providing an honest compliment when you think it’s deserved.

Don’t pick and choose when you’re courteous — if you’ve been around someone who is rude to the waiter, you’ll know why this is important. Saying thanks takes significantly less time than it will take for the grudge against you to fade if you don’t.

Respect

This part is simply about respecting your colleagues as individuals; otherwise, they will feel neither important nor safe. Whatever you do, do not decrease your respect levels if you perceive them to have lower status than you. This is the worst kind of office behaviour, and its reputation will stick with you for a long time.

Interest

The simplest way to show someone you value them as important is to demonstrate that you are interested in them as people. So be generous with asking questions to find out what interests them and listen carefully. The more interest you take, the more important they will feel.

Fortunately, this one isn’t difficult. You just have to be curious and remember one fundamental rule: always be present. Checking your phone whilst chatting to someone is the quickest way to signal you don’t think they are important. To avoid this, pay attention, listen intently and express interest.

Remember, interesting people are interested. And the more interesting people find you, the more they’ll like you and want to be around you.

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Good follow up resources

• How to Win Friends and Influence People
• The Personal MBA (Chapter 8: Working With Others, page 326 in particular)